has it really been this long???

okay, so after a little pushing from a friend i realized it's been a while since i wrote here...it just seems odd though. i have gotten much better at talking about myself (maybe a little too good, i think i need to learn to not talk about myself so much now...) but it seems strange to put it down on paper. when you actually write out your thoughts you now have a record of what you have said...and i'm not sure how i feel about that. i also think that when i just say what i want to say it comes out better than when i sit down to write it and actually put thought into what and how i want to say things...i know that sounds a little backwards, but that is how i feel...

so, it's almost a new year, and i'm not sure what is going on with me. school is going great so far, and i am really enjoying it! this first semester has been a bit laid back though, and i'm sure that next semester is going to be a lot more work...i also had a lot more time to do school work in the last couple months, but now that i'm working that is going to cut back on my time. and even though it was Jon that encouraged me to get the job, i think he may become resentful of me because i'm not going to have very much time to share with him while i am in school. well, if we can hold on through my schooling, then we may have a chance...

i'm still just as confused about life as i have ever been...went to see a psyciatrist recently at the reccomendation of the doctor, and i realized that it may be good to have someone to talk to, but at the same time i realized that i'm a really good bullshitter and convinced this poor lady that i pretty much have it all figured out and that i don't need any help...isn't that a laugh...i know that i have many years of stuff bottled up inside, and i know that i take it out a bit on Jon when he says or does something that just triggers a nasty reaction in me...it's not his fault, and it's hard for me to say to him why it bothers me, because i don't want to hurt his feelings, and i don't want him to see how screwed up i really am...sometimes i think that i wasn't meant to be in a relationship, and that i really just need to finally accept that i will be the crazy old cat lady...

i love Jon so much, and thinking about a life without him tears me apart, but sometimes it feels like neither one of us are ready for this whole relationship thing. i really want to sit him down and ask him what he sees when he looks into our future, if he has any plans. it seems that all he wants to do is cruise along and just stay where we are at now, but at the same time complaining that he doesn't want to become the stereotypical couple...well, if he has it his way we are going to become hermits... he is so confusing, and most of the time i'm not sure how to make him happy...i don't know if it's just my internal clock ticking away, telling me that i'm getting old and need to settle down, or if it's all the growing families around me...i just feel like i always do, like i don't fit in....i know i know, everyone is different and everyone gets there at a different time, but sometimes i feel like i've missed my time...

okay, enough self pity...so, christmas was actually pretty good this year. I got a new ski outfit from Jon, and i love it! i really hope that we go skiing a ton this winter. it seems that he makes tons of plans with everyone else to go out to the hill, but never thinks to invite me...i know that i'm only a beginner, and that i ski and not snowboard, but i really want to go...Joie, if you are reading this, we should totally make plans, it would be fun and exercise all in one day!

okay, i really need to get off this thing, because it's becoming a pity party, and all i can think of are things to complain about...school, work, my car, my house, my furniture, the weather, my health, etc. etc....

going to try and be more positive today...maybe that's a good new years resolution...going to exercise, pick up Jon's flames tickets i got him for christmas, exchange the jacket he got me cuz one of the the snaps is broken, and then do a power cleaning on my house because it really needs it and my sisters (emily and carolyn) are coming over tomorrow night for a girls night and i really don't want to have to worry about dirty bathrooms...

have a great day out there, and remember to think positively...

Lindsay

so many things, so little time...

oh my goodness, only 17 days!!! i can't believe it!!! i started this count at 70 days, and figured i had so much time to get everything done, and now only have a little over 2 weeks until i move back to calgary! i'm so excited!!! i can't wait to be closer to my friends and family, and to Jon. i have so many plans for this summer that i'm sure i'm not going to be able to fit it all in...

but first i have to focus on everything i need to do in the next few weeks! it's a good thing that i decided to start packing weeks ago. i've actually gotten quite a bit done already (which is quite different from my usual ten second pack before joie and jason show up to help me move...lol...). i also have to register for school, do my taxes...ummm...well, actually, i've done quite a bit of my to do list already...i already have tenants for the condo in lethbridge, i've fixed the plumbing (all by myself, junior plumber extrodinaire!), gotten my computer fixed (i haven't had it for a month, thank goodness for my ipod), gotten some dentist work done...still need to help mom fix up the place here a bit...some painting and such...i cleaned up the front yard, but the outside tap needs to be fixed...

it will all get done eventually...one thing at a time...

and then the summer will begin!!! i can't wait for the warm weather...i actually got a bit of a sunburn over the weekend...sat outside for a bit on saturday, and got some color in my face!!! reminder to self, don't forget the sunscreen!! i am so excited for baseball too!!! and Jon and i want to do the P90X program...not sure how that is going to work but i'm sure that the both of us will have some success with it...and get kayaks...and go camping...and i'll be working all summer...and i think i'm horse sitting for a week...and i want to try and serve for stampede week...just a few things...

crap, i have the hiccups...ouch...stupid violent hiccups...

gonna go try to get rid of them...hope you all are doing great out there!!! i'll see most of you soon in 17 days!!! woo hoo!!!

love always,
Lindsay

Success!!!

okay, so i can't remember if i said anything about feeling like my whole world is about waiting for something to happen...but guess what??? now it has!!! i have been accepted to the university into the education program!!! i'm so excited! i can't believe it...this is something i've been working towards since i graduated from highschool...so, for ten years now...and now i've been accepted, and i am going back to school...kinda seems anti climatic...

i've been feeling kind of lost this week...all i can think of is moving back to calgary (finally) and going back to school...and moving in with Jon (eek!)...as weird as this may sound, i've never been good with change, and now i'm changing almost every aspect of my life in one summer. i feel like i'm actually an adult (or supposed to be one) and i'm not quite sure what i'm supposed to be doing or feeling...

i am feeling frustrated, because i feel like i'm stuck at the moment...stuck in a house that is starting to drive me crazy, stuck in a job that i'm bored out of my mind in...and there is a light at the end of the tunnel, but as close as it, it is still so far...

so, life is amazing and at the same time suffocating...i am a walking paradox...(i was going to say oxymoron, but i know where Joie would go with that one)...my brain is having a hard time processing my thoughts and feelings, and poor Jon is suffering, because i've been very quite and introverted and unfortunately i need more time to come to terms with what is going on in my head. i love the guy so much, and i'm so lucky to have him in my life...i can't wait to be able to see him every day...

okay, i need to stop wallowing...i think i may go lose myself in a book...feel like i'm someone else for a time, give my brain a rest.

goodnight to y'all out there in blogger land!

Lindsay

it's been a very looooonnnggg time...

okay, so i've been slacking in the blogging deptartment...oops...nobody's perfect...

i guess that i've been trying to deal with all my issues internally. i've always been a very private person...and to share my woes goes against the personality that i've been displaying for my whole life...but lately i've gone through some changes, i'm growing, and i've become very short tempered (for me...for anyone else i guess i would just appear normal)...

now that i sound like i'm about to throw myself off a bridge, lets look on the brighter side of things, shall we? life is actually pretty good right now! i've got a job in a time where a lot of people are losing them...not that i think this recession will last long, the price of gas is already going up...but it's a pretty cushy job. the worst that i can say about it is that i'm usually completely bored at work. so really, i'm getting paid pretty good money to sit on my behind all day...too bad the sitting is making the behind quite huge, but i'm trying to focus on the good here. because of the good money i've been able to pay off some bills...even the ones that have accumulated within this last year. i went to europe, and had an amazing time!!! sometimes it seems like it was all a dream! i saw so much in such a short time! i can't wait to go again!

also, and i can't overlook this, i've found an amazing guy who i love with all my heart! it's scary sometimes to think about how much i care for him! i've never before dated a guy where i could honestly say i pictured forever with him (not that i've dated many guys...)...but i truly feel that way now! i still get the "what if's" and the doubts...usually i'm hightailing it for the boarder by now...i think this has also been my longest relationship...and we are coming up on eleven months. but every day is worth it, every moment! he makes me smile, and understands me like no one ever has. i feel like i can be myself with him, and block out the rest of the world. i am definitely a lucky girl!!!

what else?...well, because of the aforementioned boy, i will be moving back to calgary this summer!!! and hopefully i will get into the Bachelor of Education program at the university (fingers crossed!). my life is kind of hanging in the balance at the moment...but really, when has it not been...i tend to fly by the seat of my pants at the best of times...

my life always seems to be about waiting for something to happen...i try and sit back and enjoy the moment, but i'm always looking towards the next event i have planned...

well, that's about all i have to say...that's positive...i still have so much that i'm trying to improve on myself...i've been trying to exercise more and eat better...and i type this as i chow down on chips and dip. i never said that i wasn't self destructive...

well, i think that i'm going to sign off...i've given you all a little look into my life...i might even write more in time...not sure how much time, but sometime...

hope you are all having a great beginning to your year!! here's wishing for sunshine!

Lindsay