okay, so after a little pushing from a friend i realized it's been a while since i wrote here...it just seems odd though. i have gotten much better at talking about myself (maybe a little too good, i think i need to learn to not talk about myself so much now...) but it seems strange to put it down on paper. when you actually write out your thoughts you now have a record of what you have said...and i'm not sure how i feel about that. i also think that when i just say what i want to say it comes out better than when i sit down to write it and actually put thought into what and how i want to say things...i know that sounds a little backwards, but that is how i feel...
so, it's almost a new year, and i'm not sure what is going on with me. school is going great so far, and i am really enjoying it! this first semester has been a bit laid back though, and i'm sure that next semester is going to be a lot more work...i also had a lot more time to do school work in the last couple months, but now that i'm working that is going to cut back on my time. and even though it was Jon that encouraged me to get the job, i think he may become resentful of me because i'm not going to have very much time to share with him while i am in school. well, if we can hold on through my schooling, then we may have a chance...
i'm still just as confused about life as i have ever been...went to see a psyciatrist recently at the reccomendation of the doctor, and i realized that it may be good to have someone to talk to, but at the same time i realized that i'm a really good bullshitter and convinced this poor lady that i pretty much have it all figured out and that i don't need any help...isn't that a laugh...i know that i have many years of stuff bottled up inside, and i know that i take it out a bit on Jon when he says or does something that just triggers a nasty reaction in me...it's not his fault, and it's hard for me to say to him why it bothers me, because i don't want to hurt his feelings, and i don't want him to see how screwed up i really am...sometimes i think that i wasn't meant to be in a relationship, and that i really just need to finally accept that i will be the crazy old cat lady...
i love Jon so much, and thinking about a life without him tears me apart, but sometimes it feels like neither one of us are ready for this whole relationship thing. i really want to sit him down and ask him what he sees when he looks into our future, if he has any plans. it seems that all he wants to do is cruise along and just stay where we are at now, but at the same time complaining that he doesn't want to become the stereotypical couple...well, if he has it his way we are going to become hermits... he is so confusing, and most of the time i'm not sure how to make him happy...i don't know if it's just my internal clock ticking away, telling me that i'm getting old and need to settle down, or if it's all the growing families around me...i just feel like i always do, like i don't fit in....i know i know, everyone is different and everyone gets there at a different time, but sometimes i feel like i've missed my time...
okay, enough self pity...so, christmas was actually pretty good this year. I got a new ski outfit from Jon, and i love it! i really hope that we go skiing a ton this winter. it seems that he makes tons of plans with everyone else to go out to the hill, but never thinks to invite me...i know that i'm only a beginner, and that i ski and not snowboard, but i really want to go...Joie, if you are reading this, we should totally make plans, it would be fun and exercise all in one day!
okay, i really need to get off this thing, because it's becoming a pity party, and all i can think of are things to complain about...school, work, my car, my house, my furniture, the weather, my health, etc. etc....
going to try and be more positive today...maybe that's a good new years resolution...going to exercise, pick up Jon's flames tickets i got him for christmas, exchange the jacket he got me cuz one of the the snaps is broken, and then do a power cleaning on my house because it really needs it and my sisters (emily and carolyn) are coming over tomorrow night for a girls night and i really don't want to have to worry about dirty bathrooms...
have a great day out there, and remember to think positively...
Lindsay
