in class...shhhhhhhh...

okay, sitting here in class, watching a video of the tuesday class and totally tuning out...only two more weeks....eek!!! then i'm done school and can start my professional career!! i'm completely excited and completely terrified at the same time. and on top of that Jon and i have moved to High River, and adopted the most adorable little puppy. (his name is bear and he's 11 weeks old, and growing like a weed!) life is a bit crazy right now... not sure what else to say, my brain doesn't work most of the time these days. having a puppy is like having a child, constantly on alert for messes or something he might be chewing on or trying to eat. only 2 assignments left to do, which i have to do both next week...but totally taking a night off...maybe i'll get some more unpacking done... there is nobody here today, this place is empty! i might have been running late but at least i showed up.... oh, i got accepted to the calgary school board, and i'm on the sub-list already!! which means i can start teaching as soon as all my paperwork is in! so exciting! and that's about it for me...thought this might help this class go by a little faster, but it isn't... maybe i'll try to figure out how to add a pic to this post...wish me luck!

new year...old me...

so, here i am, 2011, still in school, still feeling as if i'm being left behind by everyone around me...on the plus side, i have learned very well how to reflect, so that is what i will do today...

there are so many things in life that a person can get down about. weight, work, family, self perception, school, housework, homework, health, etc etc....and lately i have been letting a lot of it get to me. i can feel things piling up on me and i can't seem to get my head above water. i am allowing myself to succumb to that downward spiral, and i need to change my perspective. people always see me as that positive, happy-go-lucky person, and that is who i want to be! i don't like feeling like i can't accomplish living day to day, the enormous effort it takes to get out of bed in the morning. when you feel like this it is hard to face life.

so, here i am, trying to make changes. i need to change my views on food (for some days it is my best friend), increase my focus abilities, find a family doctor to try and answer some questions, focus on finishing this school year strong and have faith in myself as a teacher and a person that i will get a job, put more effort into keeping my home the way i want it, and just try to feel in my heart the smile that is on my face.

right now i'm watching the biggest loser, which usually motivates me, but i am also eating french fries at the same time, not so motivating...

i have been looking at photos from the past (while i'm supposed to be doing homework, i'm really not doing well on the focusing today...) and thinking about all the good times in my past, and all the good people i have met along the way. there is a sense of loss in my heart about the people who i haven't stayed in contact with. i tend to shut a door in my heart when i move on, and it seems like i leave people behind so easily, but i don't. it hurts so much to leave people behind.

i've also been thinking about friends i have lost along the way. the good times that were had and the stories and feelings that were shared. the shoulders that i have cried on in bad times, and the laughs i have shared in good...

so, lately i've been thinking that i have come to a point in my life where i speak my mind way too much. growing up i was always the silent child, the one who never complained and never had anything bad to say about anyone...and now i seem to be blabbing my mouth off to way to many people and thinking things about people that just isn't nice. that was never me...i want to go back to that positive person who saw the good in everyone. it's as if a dam burst in me and i've gone to the other extreme on this line of personality.

i'm not saying i want to go back to the innocence and stupidity of childhood. apparently i am still retaining the essence of innocence, and i can play stupid with the best of them, but that is not who i want to be. i am going to be 30 this year (eek) and i'm not a child any more. i am a woman. i want to be confident, smart, and sexy. i want to be stylish, charming, endearing, and professional.

i need a new wardrobe, to take more time for me. i wish i was the kind of girl who spent time on her hair and makeup every day, and got her nails done, and wore the right clothes. i have been a starving student for years, and my money has gone to books and gas and travel...not that those are bad things, but what about making myself feel beautiful on the outside. i have such a terrible view of myself, no sense of style, and no urge to dress nicely because i just feel fat in everything. how to you change so much about yourself, but still remain yourself on the outside.

one of the best things in my life is Jon. he gives me so much, knowing how to make me laugh when i'm sad and taking such good care of me! i love him so much, and i don't know what i would do without him. just the thought of it is like a punch to the stomach. i feel incompetent when it comes to our relationship though...he seems so confident about so many things, and i'm always second guessing myself.

this really doesn't seem like me trying to be a more positive person, but sometimes i have to work things out before i can find the answers.......

okay, i should probably get back to being a student...those books will not read themselves....