in class...shhhhhhhh...

okay, sitting here in class, watching a video of the tuesday class and totally tuning out...only two more weeks....eek!!! then i'm done school and can start my professional career!! i'm completely excited and completely terrified at the same time. and on top of that Jon and i have moved to High River, and adopted the most adorable little puppy. (his name is bear and he's 11 weeks old, and growing like a weed!) life is a bit crazy right now... not sure what else to say, my brain doesn't work most of the time these days. having a puppy is like having a child, constantly on alert for messes or something he might be chewing on or trying to eat. only 2 assignments left to do, which i have to do both next week...but totally taking a night off...maybe i'll get some more unpacking done... there is nobody here today, this place is empty! i might have been running late but at least i showed up.... oh, i got accepted to the calgary school board, and i'm on the sub-list already!! which means i can start teaching as soon as all my paperwork is in! so exciting! and that's about it for me...thought this might help this class go by a little faster, but it isn't... maybe i'll try to figure out how to add a pic to this post...wish me luck!

new year...old me...

so, here i am, 2011, still in school, still feeling as if i'm being left behind by everyone around me...on the plus side, i have learned very well how to reflect, so that is what i will do today...

there are so many things in life that a person can get down about. weight, work, family, self perception, school, housework, homework, health, etc etc....and lately i have been letting a lot of it get to me. i can feel things piling up on me and i can't seem to get my head above water. i am allowing myself to succumb to that downward spiral, and i need to change my perspective. people always see me as that positive, happy-go-lucky person, and that is who i want to be! i don't like feeling like i can't accomplish living day to day, the enormous effort it takes to get out of bed in the morning. when you feel like this it is hard to face life.

so, here i am, trying to make changes. i need to change my views on food (for some days it is my best friend), increase my focus abilities, find a family doctor to try and answer some questions, focus on finishing this school year strong and have faith in myself as a teacher and a person that i will get a job, put more effort into keeping my home the way i want it, and just try to feel in my heart the smile that is on my face.

right now i'm watching the biggest loser, which usually motivates me, but i am also eating french fries at the same time, not so motivating...

i have been looking at photos from the past (while i'm supposed to be doing homework, i'm really not doing well on the focusing today...) and thinking about all the good times in my past, and all the good people i have met along the way. there is a sense of loss in my heart about the people who i haven't stayed in contact with. i tend to shut a door in my heart when i move on, and it seems like i leave people behind so easily, but i don't. it hurts so much to leave people behind.

i've also been thinking about friends i have lost along the way. the good times that were had and the stories and feelings that were shared. the shoulders that i have cried on in bad times, and the laughs i have shared in good...

so, lately i've been thinking that i have come to a point in my life where i speak my mind way too much. growing up i was always the silent child, the one who never complained and never had anything bad to say about anyone...and now i seem to be blabbing my mouth off to way to many people and thinking things about people that just isn't nice. that was never me...i want to go back to that positive person who saw the good in everyone. it's as if a dam burst in me and i've gone to the other extreme on this line of personality.

i'm not saying i want to go back to the innocence and stupidity of childhood. apparently i am still retaining the essence of innocence, and i can play stupid with the best of them, but that is not who i want to be. i am going to be 30 this year (eek) and i'm not a child any more. i am a woman. i want to be confident, smart, and sexy. i want to be stylish, charming, endearing, and professional.

i need a new wardrobe, to take more time for me. i wish i was the kind of girl who spent time on her hair and makeup every day, and got her nails done, and wore the right clothes. i have been a starving student for years, and my money has gone to books and gas and travel...not that those are bad things, but what about making myself feel beautiful on the outside. i have such a terrible view of myself, no sense of style, and no urge to dress nicely because i just feel fat in everything. how to you change so much about yourself, but still remain yourself on the outside.

one of the best things in my life is Jon. he gives me so much, knowing how to make me laugh when i'm sad and taking such good care of me! i love him so much, and i don't know what i would do without him. just the thought of it is like a punch to the stomach. i feel incompetent when it comes to our relationship though...he seems so confident about so many things, and i'm always second guessing myself.

this really doesn't seem like me trying to be a more positive person, but sometimes i have to work things out before i can find the answers.......

okay, i should probably get back to being a student...those books will not read themselves....

.......

okay, jumped on here to write about me.......and i have gone blank...

i'm really excited about greece! 22 days!!! there is so much to see and so little time. it sucks that Jon won't be coming with me, but at the same time it's going to be nice not having to worry about someone else...i am going with my mom and sister, and i will have to worry about them, but i hope it's not too bad. i get to plan where we are going, so that will be good, i hope they both enjoy what i decide to go see.

i can never say what i want to say here...i can't believe i ever thought i could be a writer.......i know what i want to say, it just never comes out right.

i'll write more later, i just can't focus right now....gonna try to make cinnamon buns, could be interesting.....

skiing!!!

so, i went skiing on valentines day, and it was amazing!!! i started the day off at the top of the hill, totally scared to go down. i was scared of falling and scared of failing...it took me forever just to make it down the first slope. there was so much going through my head, and i just couldn't focus, and it didn't help that my baby sister was staying with me to keep me company, and not really having fun because i was going so slow. i couldn't concentrate on what i was doing because i could feel her watching me, and i didn't want her to see how badly i was doing. after going down the hill twice with her watching me, i decided to send her down with everyone else. it would make so much more sense for her to go with everyone else than to sit and watch me. she is so sweet, and didn't want to leave me. i am so lucky to have a little sister like her! so off she went with the others, and i was free to make mistakes, to take my time, and to not feel guilty that i was keeping anyone else from enjoying themselves...

so, i pulled up my socks and did the only thing that made sense to me...i followed a little girl who was being guided down the hill by her dad! it was brilliant! she was just a beginner (probably about 7 or 8 years old) and he was giving her very direct instructions as she went down the hill, so i just followed and took his advice! that little bit of teaching helped me so much! after that run, when i made it to the bottom without feeling like i lost control at all, it gave me so much confidence! it seemed like something clicked, like a lightbulb was turned on in my head, and that all the sudden i figured it out! on the next trip down the hill i decided to go for broke. what was the point in holding back! there have been too many times in my life that i haven't taken the chance, that i haven't just jumped! i needed to jump, to prove to myself that i could, so i took off down the hill. i took chances that allowed me to discover that i could do more than i allowed myself to do before!!

i will never forget the exhileration of flying down that hill. i felt so free, even though i was completely terrified at the same time! i kept thinking about how i should be standing, knees bent, hands forward, leaning forward in my boots, pressure to the uphill side of my skiis, snowplow, turn, go!!! then, all of the sudden, the tips of my skiis crossed and i flew over them head first! i'm surprised i didn't injure myself. i remember falling, rolling through the snow, and landing face up, looking at the sky. and i laughed! it was so amazing! just another step in knowing that i could let myself go, and know that i could fall, but that i would survive!

i went down a few more times, and by the last time my legs were so tired i knew i couldn't go again. i think that if i tried, my legs would give out on me and i wouldn't have made it safely down the hill. but i was so proud of myself, and where i had gotten to, that i didn't mind stopping early! i went down to the lodge at the bottom of the hill and had a hot chocolate while reading my book. i felt like i had accomplished so much! i am so proud of myself, and i can't wait to go back next weekend!!

okay, not sure what else to say...i still didn't get flowers for valentines day...not impressed but i don't know how to get him to just do it...i don't know why he fights it. i have bluntly said, "get me flowers" and he just can't do it. he is so good to me in every other way, but it is disappointing that he can't do this little thing for me. he got us matching team canada clothes, took me skiing, heats up my heat pack every night...i don't know why i think i need flowers. but it's just the one thing that he can't seem to make himself do. it seems like a little thing, something that he should be able to easily do! it's not like i'm asking for jewlery or a new wardrobe or anything huge...just some pretty little flowers to tell me he loves me. if anyone out there has any advice for me, let me know...

okay, i'm super tired cuz i haven't had a rest in over a week, so i'm going to go watch xena...season 5 here i come!!! maybe i'll even get on the treadmill for a bit so i can stretch out my sore muscles...there are muscles in my bum that are hurting that i didn't even know i had...

later people!

saturday morning ramblings...

good morning to all you people out there! it isn't that early, but it is way too early for me. yesterday was a busy day....worked all day, then met Jon's grandmother, and then went to see the late showing of Avatar (which was totally worth it, what a great movie!!)

so now i'm up, because my brain is telling me i have a million things to do, but i also have a migraine, and i really need to have a shower, but i'm dreading having to do my hair myself for the first time...i really love the cut, but i'm not sure if i can do it...oh well, i guess i'll find out. and if i can't do it, i'll just have to look like a crazy cat cuz i can't even pull it up in a ponytail (which kinda scares me)...

what can i tell you about my life? well, it's pretty hectic these days. i'm excited that it is reading week, but it is already filling up fast...for starters, i'm working yesterday, today, monday, and friday...we are going skiing tomorrow and next saturday, i've got tuesday, wednesday, thursday to do homework, so that leaves next sunday for relaxing, which we've already planned a day full of watching movies. that should be really good! and Jon got us matching team canada lounge wear, so we are even going to match all day...lol...he is so cute!

Jon and i are doing really great! we seem to be communicating better than we were before, and life doesn't seem so stressful in that area. he is so supportive of me, and i really rely on him sometimes. the only thing that really bothers me is he has this issue about not getting me flowers...i outright tell him that i want flowers, and he just doesn't get them for me...and it's not like he doesn't spoil me, because he does...heck, i just got a team canada outfit! but i just want flowers...it's just a little thing to say that he loves me, and he's listening to me, and he will go out of his way to make me smile...silly, i know, but that's what i want...

school has been really good, but really busy...it seems that if i'm not doing readings for school, then i'm doing a lesson plan, or thinking about my next project or presentation, or reading up on the whole tuition thing, or worrying about money, or working so that i can supplement my student loans...i barely have time for the people in my life, much less the person i live with. sometimes i feel so guilty about not having enough time, but everyone is so supportive, and Jon has been so fantastic. i really want to focus on my health as well, but that seems like a lost cause as well, because i just can't seem to get myself motivated. i am so tired all the time...hopefully one day i will get the chance to slow down...maybe this summer! although that's always on my mind too, because i'm thinking about where i might be able to work, and saving up to go to greece, and hoping that jon can get the time off that week so he can come with me...there is always so much to think about...being an adult sucks sometimes...

well, i think i'm done with the rambling...i figured i'd come on here and say something, since Joie usually gets mad if i don't, but she hasn't been on here since the last time i was, so she can't say anything now!! lol!

oh, i do have one thing to comment on...saw some guys from highschool yesterday...and it was one of those moments that was pretty good (besides the fact that i was working at chapters)...but i was looking pretty good with my new hair do and my makeup all done up...just was a really good moment...

okay people, have a great day...if you are bored come and visit me at Chapters...i'm there until closing...maybe i'll treat myself to a hot apple cider...or a skinny vanilla latte...

later!

has it really been this long???

okay, so after a little pushing from a friend i realized it's been a while since i wrote here...it just seems odd though. i have gotten much better at talking about myself (maybe a little too good, i think i need to learn to not talk about myself so much now...) but it seems strange to put it down on paper. when you actually write out your thoughts you now have a record of what you have said...and i'm not sure how i feel about that. i also think that when i just say what i want to say it comes out better than when i sit down to write it and actually put thought into what and how i want to say things...i know that sounds a little backwards, but that is how i feel...

so, it's almost a new year, and i'm not sure what is going on with me. school is going great so far, and i am really enjoying it! this first semester has been a bit laid back though, and i'm sure that next semester is going to be a lot more work...i also had a lot more time to do school work in the last couple months, but now that i'm working that is going to cut back on my time. and even though it was Jon that encouraged me to get the job, i think he may become resentful of me because i'm not going to have very much time to share with him while i am in school. well, if we can hold on through my schooling, then we may have a chance...

i'm still just as confused about life as i have ever been...went to see a psyciatrist recently at the reccomendation of the doctor, and i realized that it may be good to have someone to talk to, but at the same time i realized that i'm a really good bullshitter and convinced this poor lady that i pretty much have it all figured out and that i don't need any help...isn't that a laugh...i know that i have many years of stuff bottled up inside, and i know that i take it out a bit on Jon when he says or does something that just triggers a nasty reaction in me...it's not his fault, and it's hard for me to say to him why it bothers me, because i don't want to hurt his feelings, and i don't want him to see how screwed up i really am...sometimes i think that i wasn't meant to be in a relationship, and that i really just need to finally accept that i will be the crazy old cat lady...

i love Jon so much, and thinking about a life without him tears me apart, but sometimes it feels like neither one of us are ready for this whole relationship thing. i really want to sit him down and ask him what he sees when he looks into our future, if he has any plans. it seems that all he wants to do is cruise along and just stay where we are at now, but at the same time complaining that he doesn't want to become the stereotypical couple...well, if he has it his way we are going to become hermits... he is so confusing, and most of the time i'm not sure how to make him happy...i don't know if it's just my internal clock ticking away, telling me that i'm getting old and need to settle down, or if it's all the growing families around me...i just feel like i always do, like i don't fit in....i know i know, everyone is different and everyone gets there at a different time, but sometimes i feel like i've missed my time...

okay, enough self pity...so, christmas was actually pretty good this year. I got a new ski outfit from Jon, and i love it! i really hope that we go skiing a ton this winter. it seems that he makes tons of plans with everyone else to go out to the hill, but never thinks to invite me...i know that i'm only a beginner, and that i ski and not snowboard, but i really want to go...Joie, if you are reading this, we should totally make plans, it would be fun and exercise all in one day!

okay, i really need to get off this thing, because it's becoming a pity party, and all i can think of are things to complain about...school, work, my car, my house, my furniture, the weather, my health, etc. etc....

going to try and be more positive today...maybe that's a good new years resolution...going to exercise, pick up Jon's flames tickets i got him for christmas, exchange the jacket he got me cuz one of the the snaps is broken, and then do a power cleaning on my house because it really needs it and my sisters (emily and carolyn) are coming over tomorrow night for a girls night and i really don't want to have to worry about dirty bathrooms...

have a great day out there, and remember to think positively...

Lindsay

so many things, so little time...

oh my goodness, only 17 days!!! i can't believe it!!! i started this count at 70 days, and figured i had so much time to get everything done, and now only have a little over 2 weeks until i move back to calgary! i'm so excited!!! i can't wait to be closer to my friends and family, and to Jon. i have so many plans for this summer that i'm sure i'm not going to be able to fit it all in...

but first i have to focus on everything i need to do in the next few weeks! it's a good thing that i decided to start packing weeks ago. i've actually gotten quite a bit done already (which is quite different from my usual ten second pack before joie and jason show up to help me move...lol...). i also have to register for school, do my taxes...ummm...well, actually, i've done quite a bit of my to do list already...i already have tenants for the condo in lethbridge, i've fixed the plumbing (all by myself, junior plumber extrodinaire!), gotten my computer fixed (i haven't had it for a month, thank goodness for my ipod), gotten some dentist work done...still need to help mom fix up the place here a bit...some painting and such...i cleaned up the front yard, but the outside tap needs to be fixed...

it will all get done eventually...one thing at a time...

and then the summer will begin!!! i can't wait for the warm weather...i actually got a bit of a sunburn over the weekend...sat outside for a bit on saturday, and got some color in my face!!! reminder to self, don't forget the sunscreen!! i am so excited for baseball too!!! and Jon and i want to do the P90X program...not sure how that is going to work but i'm sure that the both of us will have some success with it...and get kayaks...and go camping...and i'll be working all summer...and i think i'm horse sitting for a week...and i want to try and serve for stampede week...just a few things...

crap, i have the hiccups...ouch...stupid violent hiccups...

gonna go try to get rid of them...hope you all are doing great out there!!! i'll see most of you soon in 17 days!!! woo hoo!!!

love always,
Lindsay