skiing!!!

so, i went skiing on valentines day, and it was amazing!!! i started the day off at the top of the hill, totally scared to go down. i was scared of falling and scared of failing...it took me forever just to make it down the first slope. there was so much going through my head, and i just couldn't focus, and it didn't help that my baby sister was staying with me to keep me company, and not really having fun because i was going so slow. i couldn't concentrate on what i was doing because i could feel her watching me, and i didn't want her to see how badly i was doing. after going down the hill twice with her watching me, i decided to send her down with everyone else. it would make so much more sense for her to go with everyone else than to sit and watch me. she is so sweet, and didn't want to leave me. i am so lucky to have a little sister like her! so off she went with the others, and i was free to make mistakes, to take my time, and to not feel guilty that i was keeping anyone else from enjoying themselves...

so, i pulled up my socks and did the only thing that made sense to me...i followed a little girl who was being guided down the hill by her dad! it was brilliant! she was just a beginner (probably about 7 or 8 years old) and he was giving her very direct instructions as she went down the hill, so i just followed and took his advice! that little bit of teaching helped me so much! after that run, when i made it to the bottom without feeling like i lost control at all, it gave me so much confidence! it seemed like something clicked, like a lightbulb was turned on in my head, and that all the sudden i figured it out! on the next trip down the hill i decided to go for broke. what was the point in holding back! there have been too many times in my life that i haven't taken the chance, that i haven't just jumped! i needed to jump, to prove to myself that i could, so i took off down the hill. i took chances that allowed me to discover that i could do more than i allowed myself to do before!!

i will never forget the exhileration of flying down that hill. i felt so free, even though i was completely terrified at the same time! i kept thinking about how i should be standing, knees bent, hands forward, leaning forward in my boots, pressure to the uphill side of my skiis, snowplow, turn, go!!! then, all of the sudden, the tips of my skiis crossed and i flew over them head first! i'm surprised i didn't injure myself. i remember falling, rolling through the snow, and landing face up, looking at the sky. and i laughed! it was so amazing! just another step in knowing that i could let myself go, and know that i could fall, but that i would survive!

i went down a few more times, and by the last time my legs were so tired i knew i couldn't go again. i think that if i tried, my legs would give out on me and i wouldn't have made it safely down the hill. but i was so proud of myself, and where i had gotten to, that i didn't mind stopping early! i went down to the lodge at the bottom of the hill and had a hot chocolate while reading my book. i felt like i had accomplished so much! i am so proud of myself, and i can't wait to go back next weekend!!

okay, not sure what else to say...i still didn't get flowers for valentines day...not impressed but i don't know how to get him to just do it...i don't know why he fights it. i have bluntly said, "get me flowers" and he just can't do it. he is so good to me in every other way, but it is disappointing that he can't do this little thing for me. he got us matching team canada clothes, took me skiing, heats up my heat pack every night...i don't know why i think i need flowers. but it's just the one thing that he can't seem to make himself do. it seems like a little thing, something that he should be able to easily do! it's not like i'm asking for jewlery or a new wardrobe or anything huge...just some pretty little flowers to tell me he loves me. if anyone out there has any advice for me, let me know...

okay, i'm super tired cuz i haven't had a rest in over a week, so i'm going to go watch xena...season 5 here i come!!! maybe i'll even get on the treadmill for a bit so i can stretch out my sore muscles...there are muscles in my bum that are hurting that i didn't even know i had...

later people!

saturday morning ramblings...

good morning to all you people out there! it isn't that early, but it is way too early for me. yesterday was a busy day....worked all day, then met Jon's grandmother, and then went to see the late showing of Avatar (which was totally worth it, what a great movie!!)

so now i'm up, because my brain is telling me i have a million things to do, but i also have a migraine, and i really need to have a shower, but i'm dreading having to do my hair myself for the first time...i really love the cut, but i'm not sure if i can do it...oh well, i guess i'll find out. and if i can't do it, i'll just have to look like a crazy cat cuz i can't even pull it up in a ponytail (which kinda scares me)...

what can i tell you about my life? well, it's pretty hectic these days. i'm excited that it is reading week, but it is already filling up fast...for starters, i'm working yesterday, today, monday, and friday...we are going skiing tomorrow and next saturday, i've got tuesday, wednesday, thursday to do homework, so that leaves next sunday for relaxing, which we've already planned a day full of watching movies. that should be really good! and Jon got us matching team canada lounge wear, so we are even going to match all day...lol...he is so cute!

Jon and i are doing really great! we seem to be communicating better than we were before, and life doesn't seem so stressful in that area. he is so supportive of me, and i really rely on him sometimes. the only thing that really bothers me is he has this issue about not getting me flowers...i outright tell him that i want flowers, and he just doesn't get them for me...and it's not like he doesn't spoil me, because he does...heck, i just got a team canada outfit! but i just want flowers...it's just a little thing to say that he loves me, and he's listening to me, and he will go out of his way to make me smile...silly, i know, but that's what i want...

school has been really good, but really busy...it seems that if i'm not doing readings for school, then i'm doing a lesson plan, or thinking about my next project or presentation, or reading up on the whole tuition thing, or worrying about money, or working so that i can supplement my student loans...i barely have time for the people in my life, much less the person i live with. sometimes i feel so guilty about not having enough time, but everyone is so supportive, and Jon has been so fantastic. i really want to focus on my health as well, but that seems like a lost cause as well, because i just can't seem to get myself motivated. i am so tired all the time...hopefully one day i will get the chance to slow down...maybe this summer! although that's always on my mind too, because i'm thinking about where i might be able to work, and saving up to go to greece, and hoping that jon can get the time off that week so he can come with me...there is always so much to think about...being an adult sucks sometimes...

well, i think i'm done with the rambling...i figured i'd come on here and say something, since Joie usually gets mad if i don't, but she hasn't been on here since the last time i was, so she can't say anything now!! lol!

oh, i do have one thing to comment on...saw some guys from highschool yesterday...and it was one of those moments that was pretty good (besides the fact that i was working at chapters)...but i was looking pretty good with my new hair do and my makeup all done up...just was a really good moment...

okay people, have a great day...if you are bored come and visit me at Chapters...i'm there until closing...maybe i'll treat myself to a hot apple cider...or a skinny vanilla latte...

later!

has it really been this long???

okay, so after a little pushing from a friend i realized it's been a while since i wrote here...it just seems odd though. i have gotten much better at talking about myself (maybe a little too good, i think i need to learn to not talk about myself so much now...) but it seems strange to put it down on paper. when you actually write out your thoughts you now have a record of what you have said...and i'm not sure how i feel about that. i also think that when i just say what i want to say it comes out better than when i sit down to write it and actually put thought into what and how i want to say things...i know that sounds a little backwards, but that is how i feel...

so, it's almost a new year, and i'm not sure what is going on with me. school is going great so far, and i am really enjoying it! this first semester has been a bit laid back though, and i'm sure that next semester is going to be a lot more work...i also had a lot more time to do school work in the last couple months, but now that i'm working that is going to cut back on my time. and even though it was Jon that encouraged me to get the job, i think he may become resentful of me because i'm not going to have very much time to share with him while i am in school. well, if we can hold on through my schooling, then we may have a chance...

i'm still just as confused about life as i have ever been...went to see a psyciatrist recently at the reccomendation of the doctor, and i realized that it may be good to have someone to talk to, but at the same time i realized that i'm a really good bullshitter and convinced this poor lady that i pretty much have it all figured out and that i don't need any help...isn't that a laugh...i know that i have many years of stuff bottled up inside, and i know that i take it out a bit on Jon when he says or does something that just triggers a nasty reaction in me...it's not his fault, and it's hard for me to say to him why it bothers me, because i don't want to hurt his feelings, and i don't want him to see how screwed up i really am...sometimes i think that i wasn't meant to be in a relationship, and that i really just need to finally accept that i will be the crazy old cat lady...

i love Jon so much, and thinking about a life without him tears me apart, but sometimes it feels like neither one of us are ready for this whole relationship thing. i really want to sit him down and ask him what he sees when he looks into our future, if he has any plans. it seems that all he wants to do is cruise along and just stay where we are at now, but at the same time complaining that he doesn't want to become the stereotypical couple...well, if he has it his way we are going to become hermits... he is so confusing, and most of the time i'm not sure how to make him happy...i don't know if it's just my internal clock ticking away, telling me that i'm getting old and need to settle down, or if it's all the growing families around me...i just feel like i always do, like i don't fit in....i know i know, everyone is different and everyone gets there at a different time, but sometimes i feel like i've missed my time...

okay, enough self pity...so, christmas was actually pretty good this year. I got a new ski outfit from Jon, and i love it! i really hope that we go skiing a ton this winter. it seems that he makes tons of plans with everyone else to go out to the hill, but never thinks to invite me...i know that i'm only a beginner, and that i ski and not snowboard, but i really want to go...Joie, if you are reading this, we should totally make plans, it would be fun and exercise all in one day!

okay, i really need to get off this thing, because it's becoming a pity party, and all i can think of are things to complain about...school, work, my car, my house, my furniture, the weather, my health, etc. etc....

going to try and be more positive today...maybe that's a good new years resolution...going to exercise, pick up Jon's flames tickets i got him for christmas, exchange the jacket he got me cuz one of the the snaps is broken, and then do a power cleaning on my house because it really needs it and my sisters (emily and carolyn) are coming over tomorrow night for a girls night and i really don't want to have to worry about dirty bathrooms...

have a great day out there, and remember to think positively...

Lindsay

so many things, so little time...

oh my goodness, only 17 days!!! i can't believe it!!! i started this count at 70 days, and figured i had so much time to get everything done, and now only have a little over 2 weeks until i move back to calgary! i'm so excited!!! i can't wait to be closer to my friends and family, and to Jon. i have so many plans for this summer that i'm sure i'm not going to be able to fit it all in...

but first i have to focus on everything i need to do in the next few weeks! it's a good thing that i decided to start packing weeks ago. i've actually gotten quite a bit done already (which is quite different from my usual ten second pack before joie and jason show up to help me move...lol...). i also have to register for school, do my taxes...ummm...well, actually, i've done quite a bit of my to do list already...i already have tenants for the condo in lethbridge, i've fixed the plumbing (all by myself, junior plumber extrodinaire!), gotten my computer fixed (i haven't had it for a month, thank goodness for my ipod), gotten some dentist work done...still need to help mom fix up the place here a bit...some painting and such...i cleaned up the front yard, but the outside tap needs to be fixed...

it will all get done eventually...one thing at a time...

and then the summer will begin!!! i can't wait for the warm weather...i actually got a bit of a sunburn over the weekend...sat outside for a bit on saturday, and got some color in my face!!! reminder to self, don't forget the sunscreen!! i am so excited for baseball too!!! and Jon and i want to do the P90X program...not sure how that is going to work but i'm sure that the both of us will have some success with it...and get kayaks...and go camping...and i'll be working all summer...and i think i'm horse sitting for a week...and i want to try and serve for stampede week...just a few things...

crap, i have the hiccups...ouch...stupid violent hiccups...

gonna go try to get rid of them...hope you all are doing great out there!!! i'll see most of you soon in 17 days!!! woo hoo!!!

love always,
Lindsay

Success!!!

okay, so i can't remember if i said anything about feeling like my whole world is about waiting for something to happen...but guess what??? now it has!!! i have been accepted to the university into the education program!!! i'm so excited! i can't believe it...this is something i've been working towards since i graduated from highschool...so, for ten years now...and now i've been accepted, and i am going back to school...kinda seems anti climatic...

i've been feeling kind of lost this week...all i can think of is moving back to calgary (finally) and going back to school...and moving in with Jon (eek!)...as weird as this may sound, i've never been good with change, and now i'm changing almost every aspect of my life in one summer. i feel like i'm actually an adult (or supposed to be one) and i'm not quite sure what i'm supposed to be doing or feeling...

i am feeling frustrated, because i feel like i'm stuck at the moment...stuck in a house that is starting to drive me crazy, stuck in a job that i'm bored out of my mind in...and there is a light at the end of the tunnel, but as close as it, it is still so far...

so, life is amazing and at the same time suffocating...i am a walking paradox...(i was going to say oxymoron, but i know where Joie would go with that one)...my brain is having a hard time processing my thoughts and feelings, and poor Jon is suffering, because i've been very quite and introverted and unfortunately i need more time to come to terms with what is going on in my head. i love the guy so much, and i'm so lucky to have him in my life...i can't wait to be able to see him every day...

okay, i need to stop wallowing...i think i may go lose myself in a book...feel like i'm someone else for a time, give my brain a rest.

goodnight to y'all out there in blogger land!

Lindsay

it's been a very looooonnnggg time...

okay, so i've been slacking in the blogging deptartment...oops...nobody's perfect...

i guess that i've been trying to deal with all my issues internally. i've always been a very private person...and to share my woes goes against the personality that i've been displaying for my whole life...but lately i've gone through some changes, i'm growing, and i've become very short tempered (for me...for anyone else i guess i would just appear normal)...

now that i sound like i'm about to throw myself off a bridge, lets look on the brighter side of things, shall we? life is actually pretty good right now! i've got a job in a time where a lot of people are losing them...not that i think this recession will last long, the price of gas is already going up...but it's a pretty cushy job. the worst that i can say about it is that i'm usually completely bored at work. so really, i'm getting paid pretty good money to sit on my behind all day...too bad the sitting is making the behind quite huge, but i'm trying to focus on the good here. because of the good money i've been able to pay off some bills...even the ones that have accumulated within this last year. i went to europe, and had an amazing time!!! sometimes it seems like it was all a dream! i saw so much in such a short time! i can't wait to go again!

also, and i can't overlook this, i've found an amazing guy who i love with all my heart! it's scary sometimes to think about how much i care for him! i've never before dated a guy where i could honestly say i pictured forever with him (not that i've dated many guys...)...but i truly feel that way now! i still get the "what if's" and the doubts...usually i'm hightailing it for the boarder by now...i think this has also been my longest relationship...and we are coming up on eleven months. but every day is worth it, every moment! he makes me smile, and understands me like no one ever has. i feel like i can be myself with him, and block out the rest of the world. i am definitely a lucky girl!!!

what else?...well, because of the aforementioned boy, i will be moving back to calgary this summer!!! and hopefully i will get into the Bachelor of Education program at the university (fingers crossed!). my life is kind of hanging in the balance at the moment...but really, when has it not been...i tend to fly by the seat of my pants at the best of times...

my life always seems to be about waiting for something to happen...i try and sit back and enjoy the moment, but i'm always looking towards the next event i have planned...

well, that's about all i have to say...that's positive...i still have so much that i'm trying to improve on myself...i've been trying to exercise more and eat better...and i type this as i chow down on chips and dip. i never said that i wasn't self destructive...

well, i think that i'm going to sign off...i've given you all a little look into my life...i might even write more in time...not sure how much time, but sometime...

hope you are all having a great beginning to your year!! here's wishing for sunshine!

Lindsay

what a weekend...

where to start...well, let's start at the beginning of the weekend...

friday: went to work, packed up everything i had gotten together for camping, asked the roommate if she had any plans for the weekend and she said no (remember this for later, it's important), and drove to calgary. spent and evening with my honey running around spending a ton of money.

saturday: woke up early to get a few final things and we were off to camping. we find the place, settle in (quite quickly too, we are a very efficient pair), and start a fire. it was a great afternoon! the sun was shining and we were actually camping, and alone together. we played some catch (where Jon misses one of my throws and catches the ball in the chest), had a few drinks, and mostly just enjoyed each others company! Jon got stung, but fortunately it was only a fly by, and so he didn't react too badly. his arm swelled and he felt off, but no issues with breathing and no trips to emergency, so that was good. it got cloudy and rainy so we played some cards, had a nap, and went back out by the fire when the rain let up. had a great dinner of bison burgers, and headed to bed.

sunday: woke up to find it had rained for most of the night. Jon didn't sleep so well because of his arm, and it was a cold night so of course i didn't sleep so well. we got up and decided that we wanted to cook breakfast, but first we needed to put up a tarp, and get more firewood. we put up the tarp (again, very efficient) and started a fire, got more wood, and proceeded in cooking. tried to use the hand-me-down hibatchi...didn't go so well, so just put the pans directly over the fire, worked much better! i think i'm missing something with the hibatchi, but i will figure it out. so, cooking breakfast, and everything is coming along well, and Jon picks up the sausages off the fire in the metal roasting rack, and his hand slips up the handle and he burns himself...not good...not a big burn, but a painful one on his fingers. so that sucks, but breakfast was great! we sit around the fire for a while, Jon taught me to play crib...almost beat him, but i showed him who's boss at crazy eight count down! and apparently i become a different person when i play cards...i don't believe him, he's just sad cuz he lost...lol...and i'm not competitive at all...so in the afternoon Jon has a nap and i decide to read for a while. it seemed like it was getting nice outside so i went and read in the sun. it was great! when Jon woke up he still wasn't feeling so great (because of the sting) so we went for a little walk to see if fresh air would work. then it looked like the clouds were rolling in again, and Jon wasn't feeling good, so we packed up. went back to his house and hung out with the roommates.

monday: day of rest! what a nice day! Brandon made breakfast, watched some movies, and hung out with my baby all day!

tuesday: go to random doctors appointments in two different cities and come back to lethbridge to find out my roommate moved out over the weekend...now i'm sitting here confused, wondering if i did something that would make her scared to mention to me that she wanted to move out. not sure why she wouldn't tell me. i specifically asked if she had any plans, and she lied to my face! we didn't sign an agreement or anything, i'm not a pushy roommate, i thought we were getting along well...i guess i was deluded...

and i found out i might have irritable bowl syndrome, which is brought on by stress, which i'm guessing is right cuz i'm totally not feeling well, and have a bit of a fever...just need to let it go. whatever. just don't know why she would just get up and leave.

tomorrow: i have to convince my boss to let me go for two more appointments (which i'm not looking forward to, he's been really good about giving me days off, and i'm starting to push my luck...and i'm going to need another day off in september, october, and november...this wouldn't be a problem if they would just give me vacation days from the start)...but hopefully this will be the end of it, and i will feel better. i have to get food for treats for two birthday's at work and get everyone to sign the cards. and i have to catch up on the paperwork i missed today. not that it will take me long, but it has to be done. oh well, no lunch break tomorrow...

okay, i should probably go to bed...maybe read for a while, that will get my mind off things!

hope you all had a great long weekend. sorry for all the venting messages, they will get better i hope. next weekend is birthday celebrations, and i am going to relax!

night!

Lindsay